Introducing Kara - Super Mom #2
Of course I knew what my life was going to be like after I got married. I could see it all clearly in my head, like a movie. A predictable, comfortable, no boat is being rocked in this plot kind of movie. I had a Meg Ryan quirky romcom in mind. Not the Bruce Willis was DEAD the whole time?! kind. It would be a great movie. I just knew it.
We would start having kids right away. I would keep working while I was pregnant and when it got to be too much, I would quit without regret and spend the rest of my pregnancy getting our nursery ready, folding burp cloths, planning meals, planning date night, planning our life. Plans. Plans. Plans. I had so many of them.
When our first child was two, we would have another one. I would continue to be happy staying home with our darlings while my husband went to work and I would make him dinner, pack his lunches and be that busy, happy wife.
Maybe we would have one more child. Each two years apart of course. The perfect amount of space for them to be close, but still manageable from a logistical standpoint. I thought three children would be perfect for us. My husband Chris would joke about having a basketball team, but that wasn’t the PLAN. Five would be too many. Three children who I would nurture into excellent students, excellent friends, excellent members of their communities. That would be enough.
This was our first year of marriage. These talks and plans and dreaming of what our life was to be. I faithfully went to my childhood church, so happy there. Knowing that was part of our plan too. It felt safe and comfortable and I could not imagine feeling any different among these fellow saints. I had changed congregations with different places we lived, but it had been the same people. Different faces, but the same people. Comfortable and safe in our traditions and culture.
Our future, in my mind, was laid out and crystal clear. After all, marrying Chris, a man who loved my outspoken opinions was someone who exceeded my expectations in a spouse. He loved the fire and wit I sometimes had to squash in the past around boys who I sensed didn’t like to be challenged. Not Chris. He welcomed it. So somehow, I felt this also meant my life plan would go exactly the way I imagined it.
I’m glad my 25 year old self could not see where I am at 37. She would be a little shocked at the amount of children I have and how they all got here. Fertility problems and the garbage emotions that come with it? Nope. Didn't know that was in the cards. A special needs child was definitely not on her radar 11 years ago. And triplets? Three preemies at once? Forget it. You'd have to pick her jaw off the floor.
I think she would feel sad that my childhood church doesn’t have the same warmth and comfort as it did when she was 25. But I hope she would see my heart and what God has done with it since. It’s roomier. It has so much space for a lot more than I thought possible. It wouldn’t have been able to get this big and love this much without being broken in a hundred different ways along the way. Broken hearts are bigger hearts. 25 year old Kara didn't know that.
My family life is nothing like I thought it would be. The part about me staying home with my children is true. I have loved this and have been so grateful. She did call that emotion correctly. But what she (I? we?) didn’t see coming was the restlessness I would feel about doing something and being someone outside my role as mom and wife. It grows and nags deeper every year. Quiet discontent while being surrounded by so much joy and contentment. It’s strange. Did not predict that emotion.
Life so far has been valleys and mountains, waves and calm, sunshine and storms. So I write and share, penning my own screenplay as it happens. There have been adventures, struggles, triumphs and plot twists. I'll share a few scenes and chapters here and I've stopped trying to predict and calculate the future. Turns out, it is way more fun to be surprised.
