Yearly (birthday) Evaluation

I turned 38 years old yesterday. I love my birthday. I love the cake. I love presents. (Boy was I SPOILED this year.) I love the texts and phone calls and more recently, the sweet, handwritten notes from these little people who I still can’t believe belong to me. Whenever my birthday rolls around, I like to have these yearly evaluations with myself.

Birthday Kara sits across the imaginary conference table from Regular Kara and they have a chat.

Regular Kara: So how do you think this last year has gone?

Birthday Kara: Wow am I blessed. I have this amazing house and husband and I still can’t believe we can just walk to the beach and we got a dog who is the best dog and so sweet and we all love her and I ate cake today which was amazing and had the best dinner with the best friends who all gave me the most thoughtful cards and gifts and my darling children spent so much time making the most beautiful handwritten cards and I got a new blender which I’m over the moon about and do know what Chris surprised--

RK: Oh dear, OK. That’s nice. Slow down there girlfriend. You know what I’m trying to ask. How do you think this last year went?

BK: Oh. Right. You want the whole, dig deep about who you are and your authentic self and all the touchy feely stuff. (Sigh.)

RK: We do it every year! I don’t know why you’re surprised. Tell me about where you are with your goals and dreams. Are you being you? In the most authentic way? Are you trusting that path the universe laid out for you? We both saw it. Are you on it and following it?

BK: (Looks nervously from side to side.) Yes?

RK: (Intense stare down, one eyebrow raised.)

BK: I mean, I’m definitely on the path. Maybe not as far as I should be, but two feet are planted firmly in the soil.

RK: They should be moving down the path, not firmly planted in the soil.

BK: I know. I’m taking steps. Small steps.

RK: Good! Progress is good. Are you making mistakes?

BK: Of course. You know that.

RK: Excellent. Lean in to those flaws. Don’t be ashamed. Other people ALSO have flaws. All of our flaws together are pretty spectacular. We learn from each other and practice giving grace, practice receiving grace. It’s so lovely, really. Don’t forget how untrusting we are of perfection. In an IG feed, in a house, in a gym routine. Remember we like the messy and imperfect who are trying their damndest, just like us, never reaching perfection, because there’s always, ALWAYS more to learn.

BK: I know. I remember. I’m staying away from people who aren’t curious on any level and who think they have every answer to every question. Check on that. I’ve been doing that.

RK: Nice work on trying new things last year.

BK: Thanks! Loving the gig boats, and hiking that peak and paddling around on last year’s present.

If you don't do a jump, handstand or victory pose at the top of the peak, did you actually climb it?

RK: How is motherhood going?

BK: (Pause. A beat. Fills up cup with water, takes a drink, just to do a spit take.) What kind of question is that? (Laughing and tearing up.) You ask that like the most casual question in the world, as if what I’m doing with these little people isn’t my most important job and sometimes creates anxiety and worry that I’m doing it all wrong and wonder why Spencer doesn’t say more words, or why the older kids are constantly fighting or why one or all three aren’t up to the academic levels of their peers or if I have them too scheduled in activities, or not doing enough activities and A THOUSAND OTHER WORRIES AND CONCERNS ABOUT (raises hands and makes air quotes) MOTHERHOOD.

RK: You know, you really are doing the best you can with the tools you have. You’re doing a great job. You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself. Did you see those cards those kids made you? They adore you! Who cares that Spencer didn’t learn more words? He knows “momma.” You’re doing fine. Take a few deep breaths. They know you love them. Plus, you have this amazing best friend that is an incredible dad who is definitely pulling his weight in the parent department. And he adores you. (Cups hands over mouth to make a shouting gesture.) HE ADORES YOU!

A boy and his dog and his picture strips.

BK: (Sly, knowing smile.)

RK: You’re doing fine. Keep leaning into your authentic self and actually move on that path. It’s not enough to just be on it anymore. You have to keep moving down it. Trust. Trust. Trust. I know you have faith. Keep that.

BK: Thanks for the check-in. It really was a great year.

RK: It really was.