Your Best Also Looks Like My Best: A Plea To Stop Comparing Each Other
I know having triplets is a rare thing. (One in 8000 births.) I know it’s hard to wrap your head around having three kids at once, especially if you had one baby at a time and you feel like you are barely treading water while also balancing a baby in your arms. I get that.
“I shouldn’t be saying this to you,” is an automatic reply I get sometimes when a parent starts to tell me why they are having a hard time with their baby, or toddler or teenager. “You have three…”
I call bullshit.
NO! Stop saying that and stop thinking like that. You should absolutely say something to me about why it’s hard that your teenager won’t look you in the eye anymore and you swear just yesterday they would cuddle with you and now they walk around you with a super wide path, like you’re a disease, and text you from the next room to tell you they need money and a ride to meet their friends for pizza. Tell me.
You can absolutely tell me how hard it is that your 3 year old screamed like someone had cut her arms off when you told her you weren’t going to buy her candy at the store or still doesn’t sleep through the night, despite trying every trick ever. Tell me.
Tell me about how hard it is to have a newborn who wakes up in the middle of the night. Four times. Tell me how hard it is to still have hormones raging through your body and you still don’t recognize yourself as a human being. Tell me.
Tell me the trouble you’re having with your sweet, but sometimes mouthy 8 year old. Tell me how hard it is to get reports from teachers about their behavior or performance in school or the fact that they just won’t pick up their Legos, no matter how many times you’ve asked them or stepped on them.
Check it! Real life! One of the triplets snapped this a few years ago. Messy hair and an expression of reprimand? Exhaustion? Both? That's a tired set of parents right there.
I want to hear it all.
Because listen. Lean in a little more. Closer. Lemme just wrap my arm around your shoulder. Are you listening? Good.
You’re doing the best you can, just like I’m doing the best I can. You love your child(ren), just like I love my children. You want them to be happy and healthy, just like I want mine to be happy and healthy.
Taking pictures at this stage of my life was great. It was proof that I actually left the house and did my hair from time to time.
The effort you’re giving into this whole parenthood thing is not any less than the effort I’m giving. Are my logistics sometimes a little trickier than yours? Sure. Maybe. I spend money on childcare and weekly dates night to cope, to be honest. But, you have lost just as much sleep as me. You’ve probably skipped just as many showers as I have. And I bet you also locked yourself in the bathroom when you actually haven’t needed to go to the bathroom. Just because I have more kids than you do, or had 3 at one time, I do not have a harder job than yours. The effort you give to raising your wee ones isn’t less than mine. We are BOTH doing the best we can with the tools we’ve been given. The best we can with the tools we have. I want you to remember that when you see my Instagram feed, or someone else’s post about their blissful vacation where as far as you can tell, nothing went wrong. Stop comparing. Staaahhp. Are you doing your best? Because on some days, your very best will be getting out of bed and getting dressed! Maybe some days your best is that day trip with all 3 kids to the museum you’ve told them about for months now! You get credit for all of it.
A photo I have next to my desk of my mom and dad circa 1981 with my older sister and baby me. I bet my mom was exhausted and was definitely locking the bathroom door for quiet time at this point.
There is enough garbage from magazines and ads and curated social media feeds to already make you feel like you’re not enough. You are. You’re doing a great job. You’re a great parent and your kids are lucky to have you.
So yes, my family life is different than yours. But it doesn’t mean harder or better or any other nonsense idea you have in your head. One hundred percent equals one hundred percent. I am on a mission to stop this comparison business we do so frequently and without thought. This is your weekly pep talk that you are enough.
Parenting is joyful and rewarding. It’s been one of my favorite roles I’ve ever had. It’s also really freeeeaking hard and it brings me to my knees in frustration and inadequacy. A lot. So let’s lift each other up and gently share our woes so we can gently give each other pats on the back and words of encouragement.
Don’t stop yourself next time you see me about how hard it is that your kid will now only eat chicken nuggets and bananas and nothing else. I get it friend, I really do.
