Being ZEN in Chaos: An AMA Post

Ask Me Anything, AMA. This is a popular thing that celebrities and writers do from time to time to appeal to their fan base and let the common man in. And (ahem) since I have over 400 followers on Instagram and I’m pretty sure at least 10 people that follow me on Facebook read this blog, I thought it really was time to do my own AMA. So I asked for blog topics! And it wasn’t because I was being lazy and couldn’t think of anything to write about. Why would you even think that? I did it for the fans.

So I put out a request in my Instagram story to ASK ME ANYTHING and just waited for the hundreds of questions to come rolling in. Two hours later all I had was an inappropriate text from my husband that was not exactly material I could share with a general audience. But then, slowly but surely, I had a few really fun questions trickle it. This post is based on one of those questions.

The request was to write about: “Being zen in chaos.”

Alright, first of all, bwahahahahahahahahaha bahahahaha BAAHAHAHAHAHA BWAHHHAHAHA! (*wipes away tear of stress and slight anxiety*)

Took 36 tries and 25 minutes to get a shot of everyone looking.

Listen, I have heard more than once in my life that I am pretty calm considering I have a hundred children. (Four, I have four.) People have been around me and have seen me handle meltdowns and toddlers bolting and 4 stinky diapers at once and the screaming and the fighting and all the glorious wonder that comes from having a lot of kids so close in age. So yes, I will admit that I have had a lot of opportunities to practice this calm mindset. And before I tell you all my tricks and secrets, I want to tell you a quick story.

The triplets are 5. Spencer is 3. I think storytime at the library sounds like a great idea. I take all four kids, planning on chasing Spencer (he was crawling, not walking at this point) while the older kids enjoyed storytime. Well. Phew. Spencer didn’t quietly crawl around as I had anticipated. He yelled and screamed and got mad when I tried to keep him alive by directing him away from the giant flight of stairs or the elevator. It was not what I had planned. I ended up taking him outside (hitched up to my hip in my Ergo carrier) to try and keep the hallways quiet while storytime was happening. I wrestled and fought the little darling for 15 minutes outside until storytime was over. I went upstairs, sweating and completely exhausted, Spencer was crying from being told “no” so many times. I mean, all he wanted to do was crawl to his certain death! Why couldn’t I let him do that?

So with as calm as a voice as I could muster, and slightly louder than Spencer was screaming, I told the triplets it was time to go. This did not go over well. Because after storytime, they were hoping to check out books. Remember, they were 5 years old. Do you know how selfish 5 year olds are? They did not care about a screaming brother or a sweating mom with a giant vein bulging out of her forehead. Fits were thrown and tears fell. All four kids were losing their minds, right there in the children’s section of our local library, with a dozen sets of eyeballs trying not to look our way, but definitely everyone was looking our way. Lots of witnesses to our horror and chaos of 4 kids completely undone. So much chaos. I managed to get the wrecked crew in the van and as soon as the door was shut, I lost my ever loving mind. I cried and cried and cried and yelled said how hard it was to have all 4 kids throwing fits and how embarrassed I was and we can come back anytime to check out books, mumble, cry, mumble, cry some more, oof. It was not my finest hour of being zen in chaos. I just wanted to get that little tidbit of honesty out of the way so you understand that I am not a perfect example of patience under pressure. I lose it frequently. But if I can keep the crazed mom reactions to a minimum, maybe a 1:10 ratio, then I count that as a win.

Anyway, here’s a few things I’ve learned the last 8 years of trying to be chill.

You are a mirror.

This lesson hit me when the triplets were around 2 years old and I was ripe with a still cooking baby Spencer. They hit this stage of toddler anger. Where you weren’t quite sure what was going to set them off. You gave them cereal in the wrong bowl, disaster. Someone took the book they were looking at, mayhem. No reason whatsoever, blood curdling screams. This was all a little new to me and one day, standing among these little faces, I wondered really loudly at them why they were crying again. You know what they did, they increased their own volume, I wondered even louder at them why there were so many tears. It was an ugly tennis match of screams and loud words. It took me a few minutes, but I brought my blood pressure down and finally calmed down. Guess what, so did they? (It wasn’t always this magic, but I am grateful for the immediate lesson.) They matched my mood. If was going to yell, so were they. All three of them! I giggled at myself for being the ADULT in the room and being in a shouting match with a bunch of angry, tiny people who could barely speak in full sentences. This may seem pretty simple and basic to some of you, but that afternoon was a turning point for me and I quietly vowed to do my best to always stay calm, especially if they were losing their minds, it was all the more important for me to keep mine. It did not do anyone any good to increase the noise level of an already crazy situation. Am I perfect at this? (See above story, ahem.) No. But I do try. And we always get points for trying. Don’t forget that.

Grateful forever. But also, nothing lasts forever.

I wrote about this a few months ago. How grateful I am for my little brood, because at one point I wasn’t sure if I was going to even have a brood. And also how each of these difficult stages eventually stop. At least in my experience. Are they replaced by another difficult stage? You bet your sweet Diet Coke at 8am they are. But some hard things do go away and never come back. I try to think about this in the middle of a tough day, or a tough moment. “It can’t last forever, it can’t last forever.” I’m kind of like a beleaguered Annie, the sun will come out…(sniff, sometimes cry)...tomorrow…(another deep breath). You get it. I try to simultaneously remember how much I wanted this moment of chaos while reminding myself that it’s not going to last. It’s a very tricky tightrope to walk, but I’ve gotten pretty good at it. Craziness may be all around me, but also? I'm ridiculously lucky to be in the middle of it.

Prayer. Meditation. More prayer.

Praying has always been something I have done. I lost a favorite pencil when I was 6 years old, and I knelt down and prayed I would find it. My faith that a higher power is always looking out for me has only grown and I’ve gotten older. I believe I can call on help when needed. This has been immensely helpful in times where all I want to do is throw my hands up and run away. I pray. I pray for strength and I pray for answers and I pray that school will start again soon. (Three days away as I’m writing this!) And while I have been praying longer than I’ve been meditating, I have found enormous benefits to adding meditation to my spiritual habits. Slowing my brain down and breathing in and out and just focusing on what I’m doing in that moment of quiet on my floor in my bedroom has translated into how I can handle those moments of craziness. If you’re new to prayer, give it a try. It’s a favorite of mine. You can’t mess it up, just be grateful there’s a higher power looking out for you, and ask that higher power for help! If you’re new to meditation, even 3 minutes of sitting quietly and focusing on the whoosh of your breath going in and out your nose is a start. Who couldn’t use more calm in their day? (*raises hand, but super quiet*) And sometimes a round of deep breaths and closed eyes counts.

If you feel like your life is too calm, and you don't have enough going on, you should get a dog like we did!

Going crazy has never changed the situation.

Look. I know it feels so amazing to rant and rave and rail against something that is unfair or hard, or makes no sense. Someone smarter than me will probably tell you there’s some kind of chemical reaction to losing your cool and letting all the rage sparks fly. But a loud, rage induced fit doesn’t usually help one iota. I could blow my lid in the middle of ensuing chaos, but my attitude and reaction will do nothing to help the situation. But problem solving can change situations and behavior, I’ve seen it first hand! And for me, I find it difficult to problem solve when I can’t see out of my eyeballs because of stress or tears or both. So I try to be a problem solver instead of a crazy monster. I don’t get it right every time, I hope that’s clear. But trying, and trying again, and then after failing, deciding you're still going to keep trying is all that matters. Just don't give up.